the love affair.

Everything is safe which we have committed to Him, and nothing is really safe which is not really committed. …tozer 

  A rainy day. Well pouring rain…no one here goes out in the rain..it smells bad :( and the old wives tale that it makes you sick…which I dont doubt… But yes..anyway..I’m thinking of my dreams..what do I want to do..where…how..when…these silly hearts desires..that I feel as though they could never happen…thinking too much… These are all terrible sentences that are mostly just thoughts. Yet, is anything really complete except our Lord. All these dreams, desires, prayers…I have to resurrender. They are not from me, and not for me, but from Jesus and meant to ONLY glorify Christs name…
   None of these dreams could happen in my own strength or power. None of them are safe or possible or will amount to anything on my own. .. So AW Tozer smacks me in the face again…
         ”everything is safe which we have committed to Him, and nothing is really safe which is not really committed.”
    Have I committed my plans, dreams, ideas, actions, days, thoughts, tears to Him who is the giver and protector and orchestrator of all? Well now I once again have to go create a surrender list. He has got it all figured out and taken care of :) no pressure. 

  Two nights in a row i have passed broken people sitting on the stairs of this bridge…key word passed… As i passed i was nudged by the Spirit to stop and didnt…this morning i was very humbled.  
    Reading through 1 John i paused at 2:6…”whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did.” I paused…thinking..how did Jesus live..yes we have like four books telling us about his life..yet what and how did he walk…I made a little list :) 
     Humbly…in total reliance on the Father…in love…with the broken…taking alone time…complete knowledge of who He was…boldly..trusting….and so many more…yet do  I always walk like this..the Lord then nudged me to Isaiah 58.. Discussing fasting..and that it is not just a day but a life lived …”is this the kind of fasting I have chosen? One day for a man to humble himself?!” then Isaiah continues to list what fasting looks like…and no this is not ONE day acceptable to the Lord. It is a life surrendered. Verses 6-10 declare a life lived of fasting,..and then i was like…wow living out each one of these requires the list and more of how Jesus lived…reliance on the Father…love…humility…grace…identity…boldness..trust. 
   Completely humbled. Lord teach me to walk as you did and still do through your Beloved. 

   ”the man who has God for his treasure has all things in One…

   O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, “Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.” Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.” AW Tozer

Well it’s been almost three days and I feel like I have a new home. God is good.. I live in a tiny one room one bed apartment with a precious Pilipino girl named Heide. She is about 5 feet tall :) it has been so awesome getting to know all of the staff…American..Thai …Pilipino…hands nd feet of Jesus.

worship this morning was done in Thai, yet some of the songs are ones that I know …hence it is fun to hear worship in English and Thai mixed :) the church here is smaller but sooooo loving and joyful. They have hearts that live the greatest commandment..love God with all your heart mind and soul..and secondly love your neighbor as yourself.

We had our teachers meeting today and it was so fun.. Most of the Thai teachers came to know the Lord through taking classes here :) im nervous yet sooo excited to meet the students. I will be working with level one, which can range from high school to adults. Yep..nervous but so humbled and honored to share the love that has been poured out on me. I keep crying..surprise!
Prayer would be appreciated for my students and Jesus to speak louder than my silly nerves.. :)

Redeeming love has been my theme and shall be till I die…

Sitting here at the airport ready to head out for a month to Bangkok, I am humbled, and in awe of the God we serve. Coming to rapid in the beginning of June I had no money, no way to make money, and the only plan that the Lord wanted me in Thailand in July. Well here I am shocked and humbled by how great of a Dad we have. I’m almost embarrassed that I am shocked because iT just shows my little faith…but He is good and is not limited by my finite mind. Praise Jesus :)
When the Lord originally put Thailand in my path…I was scared..my mom had told me she was praying 2 Kings 4 recently.. And it become what I was praying…
The widow leaned and relied on first of all the Lord and through that the body of Christ…she did not hesitate to step out and humbly ask for help..knowing and trusting Gods provision. Guess what? He provided. Just the right amount that she needed. He is pretty amazing…
So here I go..once again in awe of Christ and His body of which I am honored to be a part of. I’m nervous…excited..and ready to let Jesus love through me and teach me sooooooo much.

All of me for Christ sakes and His glory.

delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. psalm 37

what do we put in as the desires of our hearts? what desires do what tack the Lord’s name onto just so we can follow the flesh? not just we, but me.

ultimate desire of heart = to know God = to love God = to desire what He wants = glorify Him = love the broken = be broke according to this world 

well yes. and then these desires, how do i know it’s from Him? for the past while, well couple years, every time i see broken children, of any color.size.age. i cry. my heart looongs to tell them Jesus loves them. to share the love he has lavished on me. now every time i even hear words spoken about broken hurting children i cry. 

His timing. that is what i am clinging to. He has a plan and he has for some weird way included me as this minuscule detail of this masssssive huge glorious plan, of which i am the tiniest piece of a million piece puzzle, and am not even an edge piece. but wow. honored to be in that puzzle. i cannot try and figure it out there is no way i can see the aerial view needed to make it work. so i give up. he is enough for my tomorrow. i know He loves me and has created me to use me for His glory, as an empty vessel to pour His love out. 

my desire to know Him = His desire to love and use me.  

someone recently said to me, “i just want it to go back to how it was before all this; it was so easy.” i haven’t stopped thinking about it. yes life before knowing Jesus was easy. following Him comes at a cost. as His beloved, His disciples, we have the same call that he called peter, james, john, paul, and so many others to. luke 14:25-33. in His life he expected nothing less than everything from his followers. their earthly desires, dreams, families, jobs, and homes were what he asked for in return for following him. wow. what has he changed for us today? or is it us that have changed the standards?

it is not easy. it is not lazy. it is not cultural. it is going against our flesh. walking in boldness. living a life that is not our own. yes the “…My yoke is easy, and My burden is light” (matthew 11:30) walking with him and for him, knowing that “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” (isaiah 30:21) He is holding my hand. he is my family. he is my husband. he is my future and my wealth. he is my joy and peace in the midst of chaos. 

therefore i will walk. yes, stumbling at times, but knowing that i am His. the life he has called me to is to give to him all of me. yet. he deserves no less. 

.i am my beloveds. and he is mine. 

why is it so hard to just be? i feel as though i have realized how important it is to do, in order to be. not just do, but do FOR God. it’s pretty pathetic. calling all martha’s, stop. yes, i’m speaking to myself, and through speaking am crying out to Jesus to teach me to be a mary. not just teach, but, show, encourage, help, force.

Mary moved Jesus. she spoke right into His heart with her tears and her sitting at his feet. i have been created to bring glory to the Most High GOD by knowing Him, loving Him, listening to Him, hanging out with Him, and letting HIM overflow. not me. the mystery of loving God, is kind of a side tangent, but He is soo huge that even love i give him is not enough. we have to even let HIM love HIMSELF through us!!  wow. humbling. but refreshing. 

therefore, i will know God. i will be with Him. i will sit with Him. i will listen. i will embrace silence. i will delight in Him forever, which brings Him the most glory. yep. i will.